Mama Scribbles

by Lucy Engelman

A poetic exploration of the light and shadows that one woman with undiagnosed postpartum OCD experienced as she entered motherhood. Lucy’s thoughts are also shared in an illustrated blog called Mama’s Got Stickies (Substack) in the hopes of supporting others through similar experiences.  Episode 6:“And with that, I began to disappear.”  “My daughter was pushed back inside then exposed and pulled from me. She did not make a sound, but she was alive. Then, just as violently, I began to disappear.”

Your sweet voice fills every room

before your feet can make it there

Bringing bubbly brightness blue eyes

and your mess of curly hair

I follow on your sparkling coat tails

Carefully breathe the air.

and I believe them when they say

they’re all so happy that you’re there.

You are gentle smart and funny

sing hello to everyone

Always say good night to street lights

And good morning to the sun

Hope you will always “want to carry you”,

Your work is never done.

Bedtime wishes for sweet dreams,

But honey you’re the sweetest one.

You like kids and decorations

You give animals their space

You greet every day with gladness

as we try to match your pace

There is laughter song and stories

life strewn all over the place

What a picture we have made

with every storm that we have faced.

It had snowed a few days after

all the questions and the pain.

You both slept while I kept shaking,

gave them all they could contain.

I held you close and begged forgiveness

Grazed your head with self-disdain.

Months would pass before I’d learn this

Helpless feeling had a name.

Thought I knew what this would feel like

Thought I knew my heart so well

Took the classes read the books

Prepared to fall under your spell

But winds did change

and stormy weather made our story hard to tell

Still it’s ours to hold and stand on

Keeping pieces where they fell.

We marched tired through the heather

Tried my best to make a map

But each hill we’d crest revealed

A vast and endless gap

I was the shell you the tiny pearl

nestled gently in my lap

I never noticed red sky evenings

Eyes were closed long before that.

You slept soundly beside me

my hand on your racing heart

Still fog thickened every morning

You were not found on any chart

Oh If I could I would do everything

to take away this part

But it is ours, somehow we conquered

all those days we spent apart.

Yet somehow you’re here beside me

Three October’s leaves have turned

You’ve met every storm you’ve weathered

With a confidence you’ve earned

I am in awe of all you are

And all that I have come to learn

Through staring straight into the fire

Where our aspiration burned.

Magic grows in my brown curls

Your dad’s a speckled clear night sky

New lines carve into our faces

Fireworks dance from both our eyes

We feel so deep in all directions

Hold each other when we cry:

It’s this story that we’ve made with you

That’s every reason why.

We’ve spent days collecting broomsticks,

Giving the ducks their acorn hats

Pillow piles, stacks of books and

Ramsey Wynn is up to bat,

Reciting stories, making up our own,

And giving Koy a pat.

You say “sometimes dark is scary,

so just hold on to my hand”

If I had known, If I’d been stronger,

Wiser, dealt a different hand…

If I’d prepared more for a battle

Than the story we had planned.

We wouldn’t be what we’ve become

Together learning how to stand.

Through the dark dense silent haze

there grows a stitch of golden light.

Where does such a fragile creature

hold the strength and means to fight?

How on this earth are you of me?

Most days think that I just might

Be made from you, brave sparkling baby,

My bright guiding morning light.

Don’t know how I got so lucky

To watch you walk through the world

Then again it isn’t luck at all

is it my little girl?

We both have grown

just like Grandfather Twilight’s iridescent pearl

So lets skip silly through tall grasses

Growing wild in our curls.

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To read more from Lucy, check out her blog "Mama's Got Stickies" here.

Drawings about big feelings, life alongside trauma, mental health obstacles and millennial motherhood. Written, drawn and lived by illustrator Lucy Engelman.