Caroline's Story

Before I had my first daughter, Caia in March of 2022, I thought I had my life completely together. I was a wife, middle school teacher, daughter, sister, and friend. I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. Becoming a mother to my daughter showed me truly how wrong I really was about my life. Giving birth was the straw that broke the camel’s back to my fragile ego. I thought becoming a mother would be easy since my pregnancy was planned, and I thought I was prepared. That was not the case for me. Within the first couple of weeks, I realized how in over my head I was as a mother, and I felt complete guilt. 

Looking back, the guilt I felt is what set my postpartum OCD in motion. I was determined to breastfeed Caia. It turned out, I knew nothing about breastfeeding when she was born. The nurses spent time showing me what to do. I was told my latch was great. I left the hospital thinking I was great at breastfeeding. Unfortunately, I found out at Caia’s first appointment that was not the case. She had not been properly latched, was not eating anything, and almost had to be hospitalized. I was devastated. My pediatrician recommended that I supplement with formula. I had no idea what I was doing, so I followed those instructions. I gave up breastfeeding after five weeks because I felt like I was the reason Caia didn’t gain weight properly. It was my fault. 

My symptoms of postpartum OCD started when Caia was two weeks old. I had an intrusive thought about throwing her at the wall. I thought, “what if I just decided to throw her at the wall right now?” That thought scared me, and I was very confused as to why I would think that about my baby. I had many similar “intrusive thoughts” about harm coming to Caia, but I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time. Those thoughts got worse and scared me more as time passed. 

No one prepares us for truly how much sleep deprivation can affect our lives as parents. I did not realize I would be up 4-5 times a night, surviving on broken sleep for months. It was pure torture. When Caia was 4 months old, I was sleeping over at my parents’ house with her and my golden retriever, Hugs. She woke up early, unexpectedly, and I was not happy. I went to make her a bottle with formula. I shook the bottle to get the lumps out, but then I was overcome with worry and guilt that I may have somehow hurt Caia when I shook the bottle. I put her down, and I did not sleep the rest of the night or the nights after that. I texted my husband to tell him I did not deserve to be a mother.

The very next day, I went back up to my old room at my parents’ house, made another bottle, and I pretended that I was making a bottle holding Caia. I shook the bottle over and over while pretending to hold a baby, to see if I could have somehow hurt her. I was devastated, unstable, and hysterical. I googled obsessively about being angry as a mom and how to forgive myself. I remember confessing what happened with the bottle to everyone in my life saying how horrible of a mother I was, and that I did not deserve my baby. My intrusive thoughts turned into obsessions with the fact that I could possibly be a “murderer,” to my daughter. These were signs of postpartum OCD that I had no idea that I was experiencing. 

A couple of months later, I was reading a book, Verity by Colleen Hoover. In that book, the mom choked her baby on purpose with her bottle. I was so disturbed; I could picture that image so vividly in my mind. Soon after reading that book, as I was feeding Caia, I pictured myself in my head doing that very same thing to her. I was overcome by a sensation of panic I had never felt before. I started shaking, sweating, and felt like I couldn’t breathe. I put Caia down, ran to another room and sobbed on the floor. I decided from that moment on that I was no longer a safe space for Caia. I could not be alone with her anymore. 

After my terrifying panic attack, I started avoiding anything that would trigger the sensation of panic I felt while feeding Caia. I stopped watching true crime shows, just in case they would give me any “ideas” to hurt my child. I spent 4-5 nights a week sleeping at my parents’ with Caia and Hugs when my husband was working. I thought if someone was always there to “watch” me, there was no way I could hurt my own daughter. I went to great lengths to avoid being alone with her. On the off chance that I had to be alone with Caia at night, I would call my husband, hysterical, begging him to come home. 

I tried to get help. I knew something was wrong. I started researching my symptoms on Google. I know you aren’t supposed to do that, but I didn’t know what else to do. That was the first time I heard of postpartum OCD. I heard of postpartum depression, but never postpartum OCD. According to Google, I would need an SSRI and therapy to recover. I made an appointment with my OBGYN and confessed I was having intrusive thoughts. I refused to share the nature of those thoughts just in case they would commit me to a psych ward or take my baby. I was prescribed Zoloft and sent home. There was no mention of a possible perinatal mental health disorder. 

My next step was to attempt therapy. I didn’t want to tell anyone so I made a therapy appointment online with a large therapy platform. I was fully prepared to confess everything to them. I said that I thought I had postpartum OCD and shared what I was experiencing. The therapist told me they couldn’t diagnose me with that but asked if I was hallucinating. I went back to my living room terrified that I was seeing things that weren’t there, so I kept all of my curtains closed just in case I would see something that wasn’t real. 

I continued to live this way for months, and I accepted that this was my life now. I tried to get help, and I felt like I was failed by my providers. I had to stop taking Zoloft after 5 days, because my side effects were terrifying. The providers at my OBGYN did not give me any other help other than to tell me to stop taking Zoloft. I went to my primary care provider who tried Prozac. That made me feel suicidal. I had never felt that way in my life. I felt like I was completely stuck. I kept getting angry thinking about my therapy appointment. The therapist made me even more scared than I was before my appointment. 

Finally, when Caia was 8 months old, I had a terrible breakdown. I could no longer live this way. I decided that I would rather be the one to die than to continue to live with the fear of hurting my own child. I wrote out everything I was experiencing and confessed to my parents. I told them my number one fear was becoming Andrea Yates. My mom looked at me like I was a monster. I will never forget it. I remember my mom calling me after I left to tell me that my dad said I shouldn’t say anything because I would lose Caia. 

Even though my mom seemed to be afraid of me, she helped me find a therapist that was certified in Perinatal Mental Health. I sent what I showed my parents to my therapist to read before my appointment. My therapist told me I had severe postpartum OCD, that I was not crazy, and I would be okay. I completely broke down and cried because I finally felt heard by someone, and maybe I wouldn’t be lost anymore. Around the same time, my primary care provider prescribed me Lexapro, which helped tremendously. It gave me the space to begin to heal. 

My journey to recovery did not happen overnight. I spent a year in weekly therapy to be considered “recovered” from postpartum OCD. I had no idea how much trauma I would truly have to process as a result of this diagnosis. I learned I had OCD my whole life and didn’t know. Every year, when the leaves turn to their beautiful fall colors, the wind gets knocked out of me. I am instantly taken back to how postpartum OCD felt. The fall was when my symptoms were the worst. It took me two years to be able to watch true crime shows again. I still struggle with being able to read books. I almost didn’t have another child because of the trauma I experienced, but I was determined not to let postpartum OCD take anything else from me. My second baby, Emmi, was born a year and a half ago. I was able to stick with therapy and stay medicated throughout my pregnancy, and miraculously avoided postpartum OCD the second time. 

I have made it my life mission to help other moms who might be going through something similar. I have had a blog called hugsformoms.com for two years where I post weekly about my experience about my journey with postpartum OCD. I also have a book called Set Free From Postpartum OCD and a journal called Set Free: A Healing Journal for Moms Navigating OCD, Anxiety and Motherhood. to help moms process their symptoms. I never want another mom to feel alone as I did. I also serve on the board for the Postpartum Support International WV - Chapter. 

Postpartum OCD and perinatal mental health is such an important topic that needs to be talked about more to families. Even though what I experienced is so common, so many moms, including myself, are terrified of getting help for fear of losing their children. I never lost my daughter, Caia.

Every mom needs to be educated on what can happen with their mental health after birth because what happened to me can happen to anyone. I share my story so that moms know that they are not alone, and help is available. Moms shouldn’t have to suffer in silence for months like I did.

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Thank you to Caroline for generously sharing her story and granting permission to use her real name. The Empowerment Equation is not affiliated with third-party links and receives no financial incentive, referral bonus, or passive income for sharing this content.

Dr. Tracey Vogel

Note to providers:

Early identification of clinically significant obsessive-compulsive symptoms during the perinatal period is essential, yet these symptoms are frequently missed or misdiagnosed. This often reflects limited awareness of the disorder and the absence of routine screening. Patients may also hesitate to disclose their experiences due to shame, guilt, or fear that reporting intrusive thoughts could lead to judgment or the loss of custody of their child. For individuals with severe symptoms, the consequences of unrecognized and untreated postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder can be profound. Clinicians must therefore be familiar with the disorder’s clinical presentation and foster clinical environments in which patients feel safe disclosing distressing thoughts and symptoms.

Reference: Ferra, Ines, Miguel Braganca, and Ricardo Moreira. "Exploring the clinical features of postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder-a systematic review." The European Journal of Psychiatry 38.1 (2024): 100232.